There was a time in my life where I chose to tell everyone everything that happened in my world. I found that most people really did not care. I do not mean this in a negative way. Rather, I realized that we all have so much going on in our lives that we do not need to hear everyone elses B.S. on top of that. So, slowly over the years I have been resigned to keep most comments to myself. I try not to digress. I attempt to stay on point and be clear and concise.
So here is my issue. Now that I have become so used to bottling up these life moments and keeping them to myself, it is difficult to share with people without feeling like they don't care.Thank the Universe for blogging!!!
I have been in the Ireland program now for the past 9 weeks. It is just now that I am finally able to put some key points down as to how I feel about it all and where it is taking me. At first it was so overwhelming I had no clue how to digest it all. The language, the information, the history, the readings, the songs, the poetry... The constant stretching of my soul and "lens". Now I sit here after 9 weeks, two integrative essays, a response to the Famine, I dont know how many freaking songs, poems, Seminars, etc I have gone through... I have to admit I am loving it. ALL of it. Even my job at the Parking Office.
I feel like I am keeping things in. Things I need to work on... The first of which is this overwhelming sense of guilt I carry with me. Sometimes like a badge... I worry about what people think of me when I do something questionable. I feel bad about things I have no control over. The first being the fact I was raised so differently from my siblings that I got everything I ever needed or wanted and they got hand me downs. I was the uh-oh child of eight children, and the youngest.
Why do I carry this with me? Why do I spend energy worrying about things that are either out of my control. Or choices that I make that I enjoy and then feel bad for the after effect. Regardless of how great of a choice it was. I still feel guilty for closing my fucking business for crying out loud. WHY???
It actually really sucks. I have to admit it. So the question now is, How do I change this part of myself. How do I un-ravel the sense of guilt I carry with me? I suppose if I had the answer to that I could market it and make millions. hahaha
ok I digress. I need to vent and sometimes I dont know how to quite go about doing it.
