Tá tú anseo!

Yes, "I am here"! Just not "here". My dreams are plagued with Ireland, my thoughts clouded with scents of peat fire and salty air... Now that I am so close to beginning school once more I have to think back to when we moved here. A year ago my future seemed clear and right out in front of me. Then we went to Ireland and returned home... I spent most of the summer sitting on my ass playing Sims and wishing I had a real life. :-(

Ireland changed my entire being. Maybe I was suppose to just sit this summer but I cannot help feeling like I wasted so much time. Instead of listing the things I could have done, I am going to be thankful for having the time to waste. :-)

My next journey is with numbers and art! I am not sure how I feel about it all just yet. I am excited and nervous! The Ireland program was so exciting and adrenaline based I am wondering just how this year will go. I am really trying not to compare the two, but how is that possible? It is not often that opportunity comes along... Nor for that amount of personal growth to happen in such a small amount of time. I think I will break it down and write a bit more of what I experienced and how I feel it has impacted my life.

I have been thinking a lot about Dublin. I am not a fan of big cities! Dublin is fairly large and yet I felt very comfortable there. I usually tense up when I am around large amounts of people I do not know, but I had no problem hanging out and being calm. It is this calm feeling that has had me feeling out of sorts. It is as if I picked it up in Dublin and left it there before returning home! I would very much like that feeling back! My stomach has been in knots since returning home. Worrying about every little thing... What is it about Ireland that caused me to find a sense of well-being?

Exhaustion...

I am tired... I want to be alert and awake and I am so exhausted... Day in and day out we are learning, growing, being re-branded with fire on a moment to moment basis!! But today I want to sleep. It is so different being in a house with 13 other people... It makes me very thankful for my 13 year old and our little kitchen in our little apartment.... People are driving me NUTS!! I am very thankful I do not have a boy!!!

Among all the other issues I am enjoying just being here! Ireland is freaking amazing and I cannot find the exact words to encompass all I feel. Being around all of these ancient sites as made me appreciate my place in this world. Whatever and wherever that place is. :-)

I do however mis my boo, my bed and my kitties and cannot wait to hug them all...

An Awakening

Dreams in Ireland are interesting. I either never dream or dream and then wake up and not remember what I dreamed. Last night I dreamed of a family reunion where I was busy prepping and being a hostess. I glanced in front of me and there was Pa. Pa was standing there with two other women and they had coats on. He was telling them about something on the book shelf. I remember thinking, "That is Pa!" and I smiled at him. They all three looked at me and as someone walked in front of them he gave me a little wink and they all three vanished. The dream went on to a huge war'ing sea with these long canoes - one red and one blue - battling. They both sank. Then in a cartoon kind of way there were Native Americans with huge heads and crossed arms making there way over this sea. The weird part was the whole water way was slightly raised like it was a really LONG but small water fall. I love how dream mechanics work.

Then I went to this house where I was helping to protect this child and I had a key to it. In the back yard someone had dug out all the grass and drawn hieroglyphs and swirls in the mud. Stick figured were drawn in and as I opened the gates people flooded in to see the area, almost like they were drawn to it. Some lady had been digging for a key to get into the house and I had one. She stood by me saying oh thank you for finding the key!! She had no reason to be there and certainly should not have been allowed in. Once in people followed me kind of pushing there way in and I was trying to protect this kid. I took myself and the child behind this partition and tried locking the door behind me. They caught me doing it and started shoving a knife through the opening by the lock. It poked me in the leg and I felt it. WEIRD! Then I woke up...

I told Patrick about seeing Pa in my dream and I began to cry. It was the real part of my dream where I knew it was real and I was truly awake in another place and time. One of the most interesting things is last night the mist came in off the ocean and it was warm and peaceful!!

I have begun to wonder what I want to do with all this I am learning. Where am I taking all this knowledge? What do I want to be when I grow up? I know I want to teach but what should I teach? Music, art, folklore, history, spirituality... I have no clue... I am really hoping the Universe will give me a huge hint as to where I should go...

I have really been drawn to the Last Unicorn lately. I love that movie anyway but there is a part where she says, "Who am I? What am I doing here? I thought I knew a moment ago... But I cannot remember..." I really feel like that at this moment. Now that I am living my dream, where do I go from here??

Journeys

Here I sit in a little town in Doolin, in a cottage that is 300 years old. Wow... I feel small. LOL Yesterday we visited the Rock of Cashel. It was an awe inspiring experience. The castle itself was an amazing presence in the sky. I said to Haley, "We are going THERE??". Never have I felt like I was standing in the presence of time as I did stepping into that place. In Cormacs Chapel I experienced this over whelming feeling of a crowded silence. There was no one in there as I stepped through the door. The castle itself is not furnished it basically just the shell. The chapel is an amazing room with painting on the ceiling that are being eating my microbial bacteria so they cannot have it out in the sunshine. It was such a place of reverence...

We spent the night in a strange hostel in Cashel. The whole area had a strange energy about it at night and I had some bad dreams. It was really intense. I went to bed with my body zinging... Like electricity was flowing through me.

Today we traveled to Doolin and are staying in this amazing Hostel on the coast of Ireland. I feel like I can process, or at least begin the process, of digesting everything that has happened thus far. Will post pics later!!!

The Color Purple

Have you ever seen that movie the Color Purple? You know, the one with Whoopi Goldberg? It has always been a favorite of mine. My mom and I used to watch it together and we loved the line where they are walking in the field and she says to Celie, "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple and don't notice it." I encountered a similar feeling today while taking in Dublin. One of the hardest parts about Fall Quarter for me was when we learned about the famine. This terrible, horrible tragedy that could have been prevented and wasn't. It was perpetuated in the name of providence. Far be it for the English to interrupt THEIR trade routes to make sure the people of Ireland had food. Not to mention how they said it was a shame only a 1,000 or so died...

Anyway I won';t get into the hairy details. We were given a picture of the Famine Memorial in Dublin to look at. 6 ghostly figures all walking along side the Liffey with tattered clothes and very solemn and skinny body language. One has a child draped over his shoulder while a dog is awaiting eagerly for the body to be dropped... It was sad in the picture... It was sad studying it... But seeing it in person was just.... A different experience all together. I know it is the first of many things to click within my soul as we are only on day 2 of Ireland, but the connection cut me to the core...

One man in the middle them had a solemn face and carried a bundle of something. His hat was drooping over his head, his clothes in tatters and his hands were clutching tightly to that bundle. I shed a few tears...and was very silent... very quiet inside myself. What a beautifully haunting feeling. As I was getting ready to leave I over heard two American girls talking about how Dublin has such sad things in it... One said, "It is not right that there are so many memorials. I am so tired of all the sadness." My body tightened... I knew they had never read Paddys Lament or thought about what had TRULY happened... I knew they were just Americans in Ireland for the Craic... (WHICH IS FINE BUT NOT WHERE I AM AT) As I began to walk away, not taking eyes off the river... I thought about the movie the Color Purple... I thought about how you can walk by things and be around things that have sadness, and how you "could" never let it in. You could walk by the color purple 20 times a day and never notice how amazing of a color it is. Just like you can come to Ireland and walk by the River Liffey and not understand the pain, loss and sadness that has happened here...

As for me, I chose to let it in. Every moment I am here I am choosing to recognize what has happened... I am open to allow the sadness to come upon me. Not take it in me.. But to experience it, honor it and allow it to pass.

For me this experience is... Well it is a lot like the color purple and I intend on recognizing it with every step I take....

Really?

We head out in just 2 days... I keep thinking, is it real? Am I really going?? I mean I have my tickets, passport, itinerary, plans, ideas.... But it just does not seem real. I suppose when something has been a dream for so long it will seem that way. I know that when Patrick and I got together I would roll over in the morning and say, "Your Calydin the Celt and your here"!!! (We met online for those who do not know..)

I am planning on:
Enjoying every moment.
Expect nothing.
Writing in my journal.
Taking a ton of pictures.
Mourning my dead.
Renewing my wedding vows.
Gathering rocks, earth, water and somehow fire...
Sending my thoughts over the water to my friends and family.
and enjoying every moment.... :-)

My heart is full, my head is swimming and my legs are ready to lead me. Now if Tuesday could just get here already we would be in great shape!

I know this next journey of awakenings will be one for the record books.

The countdown

We leave in 3 days... That is so weird. I know that 10 years does not seem like such a long time but when you really need to do something it can feel like an eternity... Here I am, on the edge of getting to live a dream... I am beyond honored, humbled, grateful, excited, hopeful... We continue to be given blessings prior to our departure. I do not even know how to begin or end the way I feel inside at this moment...

Abhaile...

As I sit here and ponder where my life has taken me the past few months I have to say I am sitting in awe... What began as a small dream and desire in a little room where I would work out peoples tension has become a full, breathing and living experience.

Tomorrow is the first day of the last week of class for the Ireland program. We will not have class again until April 16th, in a small village in Northern Donegal called Glenkolumbkille. Even as I write it and say it in my head it seems like such a dream.

I remember walking in on the first day of class. I was a bundle of emotions and continuously had goose bump flesh from all the knowledge I was gaining. Now, at the beginning of week 20 I am wondering where I will be this time next year. I realize that this trip to Ireland isn't just a tourist jaunt. My life will change in Ireland. Things about me will develop and grow in such a short time. What part of me will remain? What part will I let go of? Where will all this lead me?

I have said it a thousand times, and I am going to say it again. I never imagined a life where I wanted to learn. Now Patrick and I are thinking of where to go to Graduate School.

Here I sit looking at my computer screen, exhausted, weary from the climb. Tonight was the 82ns annual Academy Awards. As a child I used to dream of being on stage as an actress accepting one of those awards... though my life took a different turn, I feel as though I am about to embark on that adventure. That the Oscar is ready for me and my name will be in the envelope.

You can keep your statue though, I'll take Ireland any day of the week... :-)

Space

While I lived my life as a massage therapist I learned a valuable lesson about people and their spaces. I have no idea how many hours of massage I have clocked, but on average I would perform 18-30 massages per week which hourly average up to about 8- a month and so on... So, maybe not as many hours as some, but definitely enough to know...

What I found is a "space". A "space" where you can meet someone in neutral territory. Within this space is a, sometimes unnerving, powerful sense of truth. There can be truth about everything from abuse to unending happiness. What is so unique about this space is that anything goes. Everything is free... There is no judgment because you both come together within that space with everything you came in with and its OK. Because you recognize your own stuff and they recognize their own stuff and its good. I hope that makes sense.

It is very easy for me to meet people in this space and to create friendships and bonds that grow from a place of space. But what my next challenge is, how do I meet myself in this space?

I can accept other peoples baggage far easier than my own. I can recognize similarities in someone else without fully facing my own issues. So how do I meet myself in that space, and be OK with what I see, feel and think? This is a huge fear for me because I don't think I will like what I see. I am afraid of what "I" will think about my own faults. Isn't this a strange conundrum?

Pause

This is by far one of the most difficult weeks Patrick and I go through. For a few years in a row February was always this bear of a month, with hospitalizations or deaths. I have been thinking a lot lately about our friend Carl who passed away 3 years ago and our friends son Franklin who passed that same week. It has been 3 years!

Now I see myself in this space of learning and growth. Far from the stress of business owning and grief of those years. Getting ready to embark upon the adventure of my life! At least up to this point... and I cannot seem to get them out of my mind the past week.

I did not appreciate Carl in life. I never really understood him as a person. He was an amazing artist and spiritualist. Lately I have really wished he was around for us to share this experience with him. He blessed our wedding day, and out lives. He was a friend of Patricks when he had no one to talk to. I miss him.

The loss of our friends son makes me sad... I think of Elisia and my friend Matt who passed when I was 12. Loss at a young age is so difficult.

I wanted to pause for a moment... To recognize where I have been and what has moved me the direction I am in. Thank you for being in my life Carl. Thank you for being such an amazing gift to Patrick and I.

I know in my heart as I scatter the ashes of my aunt in Ireland, it will be a way for me to grieve for those I have lost over the years. To close the doors and move forward, knowing I have been able to find closure. I have never attended a funeral for a family member, because we have yet to have one. I will take you with me on the clouds, your dreams and cares scattered to the wind as I honor your presence in my life and greet you in the space between....

In between

Every feel like your between two huge walls and the only way out is either back the way you came which was quite a few miles back, or the way in front of you which can be deceiving. At times it appears so long you feel as though you could never make it. And other times it is so close that you miss the part where you exit and the walls are gone. I am not exactly sure where I am standing but the pressue feels pretty immense.

Here we are in the middle of the most of amazing, life changing, altering, growing, healing honoring place in our lives and we have these looming clouds. It seems to make it a little easier to deal with. But loss of any rate can be challenging. Even the loss of identity. So to have gone through this last week (which felt like a year) and come out the other side I suppose I should be happy about that. On one side my aunts cancer came back and she was not expecting it to be a good thing. Now the doctors think they can extend her life from 6-8 months to 2-3 years. Patricks aunt has cancer, his cousin passed away and he started smoking... But on the flip side we are going to Ireland for 6 weeks!

I decided I was going to quit my work study job and then was offered another one. There is definitely a pattern of sorts...

Amidst all the pain there is a sense of comradery, love, fellowship, healing, and opportunity. There are new paths opening up for me. I am thinking of focusing on folklore and watercolors. I also want to do Sean Nos singing. Yet my heart is aching and I feel like I have no time to tend to it. Why do I get the impression that I will spend the first two days in Ireland just crying and purging?

May the music play forever...