Exhaustion...

I am tired... I want to be alert and awake and I am so exhausted... Day in and day out we are learning, growing, being re-branded with fire on a moment to moment basis!! But today I want to sleep. It is so different being in a house with 13 other people... It makes me very thankful for my 13 year old and our little kitchen in our little apartment.... People are driving me NUTS!! I am very thankful I do not have a boy!!!

Among all the other issues I am enjoying just being here! Ireland is freaking amazing and I cannot find the exact words to encompass all I feel. Being around all of these ancient sites as made me appreciate my place in this world. Whatever and wherever that place is. :-)

I do however mis my boo, my bed and my kitties and cannot wait to hug them all...

An Awakening

Dreams in Ireland are interesting. I either never dream or dream and then wake up and not remember what I dreamed. Last night I dreamed of a family reunion where I was busy prepping and being a hostess. I glanced in front of me and there was Pa. Pa was standing there with two other women and they had coats on. He was telling them about something on the book shelf. I remember thinking, "That is Pa!" and I smiled at him. They all three looked at me and as someone walked in front of them he gave me a little wink and they all three vanished. The dream went on to a huge war'ing sea with these long canoes - one red and one blue - battling. They both sank. Then in a cartoon kind of way there were Native Americans with huge heads and crossed arms making there way over this sea. The weird part was the whole water way was slightly raised like it was a really LONG but small water fall. I love how dream mechanics work.

Then I went to this house where I was helping to protect this child and I had a key to it. In the back yard someone had dug out all the grass and drawn hieroglyphs and swirls in the mud. Stick figured were drawn in and as I opened the gates people flooded in to see the area, almost like they were drawn to it. Some lady had been digging for a key to get into the house and I had one. She stood by me saying oh thank you for finding the key!! She had no reason to be there and certainly should not have been allowed in. Once in people followed me kind of pushing there way in and I was trying to protect this kid. I took myself and the child behind this partition and tried locking the door behind me. They caught me doing it and started shoving a knife through the opening by the lock. It poked me in the leg and I felt it. WEIRD! Then I woke up...

I told Patrick about seeing Pa in my dream and I began to cry. It was the real part of my dream where I knew it was real and I was truly awake in another place and time. One of the most interesting things is last night the mist came in off the ocean and it was warm and peaceful!!

I have begun to wonder what I want to do with all this I am learning. Where am I taking all this knowledge? What do I want to be when I grow up? I know I want to teach but what should I teach? Music, art, folklore, history, spirituality... I have no clue... I am really hoping the Universe will give me a huge hint as to where I should go...

I have really been drawn to the Last Unicorn lately. I love that movie anyway but there is a part where she says, "Who am I? What am I doing here? I thought I knew a moment ago... But I cannot remember..." I really feel like that at this moment. Now that I am living my dream, where do I go from here??

Journeys

Here I sit in a little town in Doolin, in a cottage that is 300 years old. Wow... I feel small. LOL Yesterday we visited the Rock of Cashel. It was an awe inspiring experience. The castle itself was an amazing presence in the sky. I said to Haley, "We are going THERE??". Never have I felt like I was standing in the presence of time as I did stepping into that place. In Cormacs Chapel I experienced this over whelming feeling of a crowded silence. There was no one in there as I stepped through the door. The castle itself is not furnished it basically just the shell. The chapel is an amazing room with painting on the ceiling that are being eating my microbial bacteria so they cannot have it out in the sunshine. It was such a place of reverence...

We spent the night in a strange hostel in Cashel. The whole area had a strange energy about it at night and I had some bad dreams. It was really intense. I went to bed with my body zinging... Like electricity was flowing through me.

Today we traveled to Doolin and are staying in this amazing Hostel on the coast of Ireland. I feel like I can process, or at least begin the process, of digesting everything that has happened thus far. Will post pics later!!!

The Color Purple

Have you ever seen that movie the Color Purple? You know, the one with Whoopi Goldberg? It has always been a favorite of mine. My mom and I used to watch it together and we loved the line where they are walking in the field and she says to Celie, "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple and don't notice it." I encountered a similar feeling today while taking in Dublin. One of the hardest parts about Fall Quarter for me was when we learned about the famine. This terrible, horrible tragedy that could have been prevented and wasn't. It was perpetuated in the name of providence. Far be it for the English to interrupt THEIR trade routes to make sure the people of Ireland had food. Not to mention how they said it was a shame only a 1,000 or so died...

Anyway I won';t get into the hairy details. We were given a picture of the Famine Memorial in Dublin to look at. 6 ghostly figures all walking along side the Liffey with tattered clothes and very solemn and skinny body language. One has a child draped over his shoulder while a dog is awaiting eagerly for the body to be dropped... It was sad in the picture... It was sad studying it... But seeing it in person was just.... A different experience all together. I know it is the first of many things to click within my soul as we are only on day 2 of Ireland, but the connection cut me to the core...

One man in the middle them had a solemn face and carried a bundle of something. His hat was drooping over his head, his clothes in tatters and his hands were clutching tightly to that bundle. I shed a few tears...and was very silent... very quiet inside myself. What a beautifully haunting feeling. As I was getting ready to leave I over heard two American girls talking about how Dublin has such sad things in it... One said, "It is not right that there are so many memorials. I am so tired of all the sadness." My body tightened... I knew they had never read Paddys Lament or thought about what had TRULY happened... I knew they were just Americans in Ireland for the Craic... (WHICH IS FINE BUT NOT WHERE I AM AT) As I began to walk away, not taking eyes off the river... I thought about the movie the Color Purple... I thought about how you can walk by things and be around things that have sadness, and how you "could" never let it in. You could walk by the color purple 20 times a day and never notice how amazing of a color it is. Just like you can come to Ireland and walk by the River Liffey and not understand the pain, loss and sadness that has happened here...

As for me, I chose to let it in. Every moment I am here I am choosing to recognize what has happened... I am open to allow the sadness to come upon me. Not take it in me.. But to experience it, honor it and allow it to pass.

For me this experience is... Well it is a lot like the color purple and I intend on recognizing it with every step I take....

Really?

We head out in just 2 days... I keep thinking, is it real? Am I really going?? I mean I have my tickets, passport, itinerary, plans, ideas.... But it just does not seem real. I suppose when something has been a dream for so long it will seem that way. I know that when Patrick and I got together I would roll over in the morning and say, "Your Calydin the Celt and your here"!!! (We met online for those who do not know..)

I am planning on:
Enjoying every moment.
Expect nothing.
Writing in my journal.
Taking a ton of pictures.
Mourning my dead.
Renewing my wedding vows.
Gathering rocks, earth, water and somehow fire...
Sending my thoughts over the water to my friends and family.
and enjoying every moment.... :-)

My heart is full, my head is swimming and my legs are ready to lead me. Now if Tuesday could just get here already we would be in great shape!

I know this next journey of awakenings will be one for the record books.

The countdown

We leave in 3 days... That is so weird. I know that 10 years does not seem like such a long time but when you really need to do something it can feel like an eternity... Here I am, on the edge of getting to live a dream... I am beyond honored, humbled, grateful, excited, hopeful... We continue to be given blessings prior to our departure. I do not even know how to begin or end the way I feel inside at this moment...