Churning, turning whirlpools…

I woke up Monday morning with terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, stomach cramps… I am not sure if it is something I ate or something I am processing and releasing but whichever it is, it can leave, ANOIS!!! I spent the most of yesterday in bed… Patrick went to Starbucks to hang out on the Wi-Fi and found out that my mom is not doing very well. I had a feeling something would happen while we were gone… She fell off the bed and could not get back up. My dad could not help her up either so they called 911 and they came to assist her. I am a bit worried but I know she is in the right hands and that there is nothing I can do from this side of the world…

Meanwhile my stomach cramps go on… Patrick went in search of chips and alas came back empty handed. We made our way down to a restaurant and I ate some soup and chips. I love chips!!! I was sure when we woke up this morning it would be gone… especially after how many times I had visited the toilet!

Alas, I awoke to another day of stomach cramps. I told my body this morning, guess what? We have to move whether you are happy or not… I am going to put this pack on and we are going to get to the bus stop. Then we are going to ride the bus to Connel and you are going to deal with it. That is exactly what I did… After dinner this evening we went for a wee walk by the water. Lara falls is said to be one of the strongest tidal surges in the world. It churns and turns with the tide. This creates whirlpools and a beautiful dance of ebb and flow. While one side is flowing down stream the other is flowing up stream.

I am not sure what lesson all this is supposed to teach me at the moment. I know that my stomach still feels very much like that river out our B&B window. I would very much like to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, revived and stomach cramp free… Sleep sweet world.. I love you belly… Please feel better in the morning! Signed, your body…

Beautiful toes...

Yesterday we arrived in Edinburgh after a very long day of traveling by ferry, train and taxi. I have to admit I missed Ireland immediately upon arrival and was very much ready to hop back on the train and head back over to the Emerald Isle... We were starving, exhausted and grumpy. The first bit of business was to check in to our new home for the next few days and find a bite to eat. We headed down the Commercial Quay, dragging our hearts behind us searching for food, which was sub-standard to say the least. We trekked back to the hotel and decided a dip in the pool would be nice. At the front desk I asked the lady which direction the pool was in and she said we do not have a pool... :-( She apologized repeatedly to which I replied it is certainly NOT your fault. I will take it up with Travelocity!! She was so kind and welcoming. She thanked us for not being grumpy with "her" and upon our compassion offered us both a complimentary drink! OK, Edinburgh is looking up for the moment. We sat down with our drinks and she came over with maps and guide books to tell us how to get the bus, where to go down town, how to get back on the bus... Very helpful!! I know the Universe put her in our path to help us feel a little more settled after our long journey into exile.
We awoke this morning to blue skies and a beautiful day ahead of us. We ate a large breakfast in the hotel lobby and hopped on the bus to the Royal Mile. This street is a large section of Edinburgh that leads up to Edinburgh Castle. Very neat part of the city with shops and street performers at every turn. I am sure that it helped we are out on a Saturday. As I began to peruse the shops I spied a small market on the side street selling posters, claddaugh rings and various items from all around the globe. As I continued to walk through I noticed a wheel chair off to the side with a blanket laid out on the ground and painted pictures scattered about. As I drew closer I realized the girl was painting with her toes... I looked down at her wares and noticed two signs, "photographs ok with donation" and "you can talk to me I do not bite". I told her that I thought her work was beautiful. She smiled and said thank you! I purchased three of her cards and donated a pound so that Patrick could take her picture for me. I told her I painted with watercolor and she said she uses acrylics - which were in between oils and watercolor. She had the most amazing spirit about her. Her name is Elaine Boyd. She did not look very old to me and in the small amount of time I spent speaking with her I learned so much about my own artwork.
Here was this individual being who decided that against all adversity she would paint. It was the way in which her spirit decided this is what I want to do, this is what makes me happy and despite what others may think I am going to create.
This simply act of unconditional creation has inspired me. There is a part of me that feels as though my work is for those "out there". This is not to say that Elaine doesn't care what others think of her art. But when you create from the heart, when you construct from your entire being, when you love what you are doing then the outside world simply looks in on you and your work. If they like, great... If not, there is no loss of self.
I walked away with tears in my eyes... She was an amazing being who taught me so much in a very short amount of time. I mentioned to my friend Heidi, Why can't we just be and enjoy our talents???Why is it I doubt my self worth? Why is it that I second guess this talent that I have inside of myself? If I enjoy what I am doing, then why can't that simply be enough?
I have been struggling with myself as an artist. I learned today that our time on Iona will truly be exile as we will not have internet access nor cell service to distract our time. I will have space to create and time to do so. I am intending that I can come to place within myself that is truly happy to create just for the sake of creating. Thank you Elaine for being a true inspiration... I will never forget the lesson you have taught me...

A cup of tea and a memory

We are on board the ferry to Holyhead! I purchased our tickets in advance and decided to upgrade our seating to the Stena Plus area. There are complimentary biscuits, fruit, juice, water, tea, coffee, cereal – along with a menu for real breakfast. Patrick and I seated ourselves by the front window and spent our morning sipping coffee and juice looking out across the ocean.  About half-way through our meal I paused… This is the same route many Irish had to take on what they called “coffin ships” to escape persecution, the famine and to hopefully find their way out of their current situations.  The coffin ships were small sea vessels where they crammed immigrants into the hold usually only into a space as big as a coffin… (Hence the term) It was in this inner area that they lived, ate, relieved themselves and sometimes died before arriving to their destination.

The famine times of Ireland hit me the hardest of all our class lectures. I have mentioned this before in a few of my blogs but the reality of this situation was dire. They did not have the option to upgrade their tickets… They paid a cheap fare and were treated horribly, sometimes even being seated on deck while the waves were crashing over them. They were not served breakfast and sometimes ate the rats on the ships to survive. They did not have complimentary biscuits and tea…  It is here I am catching a glimpse of how desperate the situation had to have been. To leave your entire family behind while heading to a foreign shore, not knowing if you will ever see them again – which most would not.

My ancestors left long ago… On a ship no doubt and landed in New York. No peanuts to eat, no movie to watch, no Wi-Fi in the upgraded lounge… just the rocking of the boat, the wailing of children, the stench of human feces and death all around them. I wonder what my ancestors went through. How they struggled…

As we make our own pilgrimage back home, to the land of our ancestors, I am still wondering what a pilgrimage is. Is it to walk in those places where others have stepped? Is it to visit holy places and receive divine spiritual guidance? Or is it the journey of the mind as we walk backwards through time?

I am sure, as my daughter has said many times, I will find the answers along this path. Today we land in Holyhead which was the last stronghold of the Welsh Druids. The final place they were taken by the Romans. What will I find in this ancient, unknown land? I am thankful for the friends we have just met. For along this journey they have helped my feet to become sure-footed and readied my mind for the task ahead. I am ready Universe… Ready to journey home…

Nothing but blue skies

I finally painted something…It was a potato, carrot and some mint leaves I picked from the organic farm.

The Irish potato famine is a subject that hit me really hard during our year long program. Come to find out I have people who fled Ireland during the 1700’s from one of the hardest hit regions in Ireland, up near Sligo. I can only speculate that they fled because of the potato famine for we have no documentation of this other than they were here and then were in New York. This part of Irish history was particularly hard for me to digest during our year long studies. Especially when the entire horror could have been avoided if only a few shipping routes could have been spared.

I do not expect those that are reading my blog to comprehend the gambit of emotions I ran that winter quarter. But I will forever be haunted by the story of a young girl who ran alongside a carriage for at least 2 miles… She had no shoes, no food and was at the brink of starving. At first the men in the carriage thought it was funny that this girl was following them, wanting a hand out… The way I see it she must have stumbled a few times, I am sure her poor feet were bleeding and yet her spirit was strong enough to withstand the pain it took to ask for help for her and her family. Finally to end the suffering they tossed a few coins out the window which would have been enough to feed her family for one day… One day…

Now I am in Ireland and have had the opportunity to dig my own potatoes out of Irish soil. No blight is destroying the earth here… They were beautiful white and purple… grown with love… The emotion of digging these up was overwhelming and I think I am still attempting to grasp how large this one act is for me. To know that an entire branch of my past had to leave this beautiful land due to sickness, disease and poverty – that could have been avoided – is almost too much to digest.

The words of “it is shame only a few thousand of them died” and it was “providence” that brought the blight to Ireland echo through my head. And yet, today… here… now… There is life in this soil… There is hope, growth and re-birth. The people of Ireland know how to face adversity and they do so with ferocity I have not seen in the states. The farm we are staying in is employed by the people who live here and their sons and daughters. Like my ancestors before me they til the land, grow their crops and reap their harvest.

For today there is blue shining through the clouds. A promise from the earth that once again life will continue, life goes on, life finds a way. For this I am thankful for the day ahead and look forward to what journey I will take next.

The Irish mist and an ass

Now I am certainly not complaining... Coming home to Ireland the first time was amazing. It was sunny almost the entire time and I returned home with a sun burn. It was good but was lacking an important element in my Irish psyche… the Irish mist…

This morning I awoke to Jack, the ass, hee-hawing up a storm. It was about 6 am and I decided It was time to wake up and get the day started. As I walked down and noticed the gray and gloomy clouds I also began to notice the mist had finally arrived.The crow council was convening..

I have been processing the past few days. My emotions have not been able to catch up with me just yet and I am still trying to figure out what everything has meant to me so far. The first amazing thing that happened was the kindness of an airline operator. We arrived at the desk two hours prior to departure and I inquired as to the availability of a window seat for we were currently seated in the very last row of the plane. She stated there were no window seats available but we could upgrade our seats to the comfort plus for an additional $120 each. Given that we do no have expendable cash we politely declined, happy just to be on our way! As we began to step away from the desk she said, why don’t you give me your boarding passes and if something comes up I can change these for you.

As we sat down the terminal area began to fill and I was sure we were not going to get a window seat. I even discussed with Patrick dipping into the emergency fund to upgrade us for the 9 hour flight but we both decided it was best to just take we had! I was still happy with it, after all, we were heading home!

About 20 minutes prior to boarding I approached the desk to gather our boarding passes. I jokingly said to the lady, I am harassing you again!! She smiled and asked, are you on your honeymoon. I said we are on holiday for school but also celebrating the fact we have been married for 12 years. She smiled and said well we have upgraded your tickets to the comfort plus seating and have an amazing HONEYMOON!! I almost began crying!

So we arrive in Amsterdam trying to find our way outside when an American traveller sort of leads us through the train station and gives us several words of caution and advice about how people are getting their bags taken even just by setting them on the ground for a moment. He directed us where to exit and how to get to where we were headed.

Upon arriving in Dublin we were exhausted and immediately decided sleep was the best option. After breakfast the following morning we inquired as to how we could get to Slane by bus. The lad behind the counter said as a matter of fact I am leaving for home in about 10 minutes and I would be more than happy to offer you a lift into Trim. From there you can hop on the bus and it will take you directly into Slane. So in the car on the way we talked of Irish history, Trim castle, and life as we know it.

All along our journey so far we have run into amazing people with generous hearts. We are now living in Slane at the Slane Farm Hostel and have already met two amazing souls named Heather and Oak. Heather is a body worker and organic farmer. Oak is a horticulturist and vocal chanter. There is also an amazing soul named Gabriel who is from Trinidad. He is also staying in the hostel. My gratitude is overwhelming in this place of warm hearts and welcomed spirits.

The sun is rising... The mist has passed… But my heart remains – beating – hopeful – and more than thankful…

“Why can’t we feel what we feel?”

Ten hours on a plane, four movies, chaos at landing and a 20 minute trek across Amsterdam later we arrive at the back of the line to the Anne Frank House. It was raining; windy and very chilly out there I would like to add! The line moved at a snail pace and I could feel Patrick’s patience slipping as ten minutes became twenty, became an hour, became 90 minutes… Finally I said OK if we are not to that light post by 11:40, we will leave and find some place warm. Secretly I was conspiring with the Universe… PLEASE let us get to the light pole by 11:40… PLEASE!!!

Soon we began chatting with Beth. Her and her father are from New York and are on their way to Israel. Beth has a Bachelors degree and two Masters Degrees. Her mother passed away two weeks ago and she asked her father to come along the trip with her.  This kept Patrick and I both in line, inching our way to the entrance of the Anne Frank House. 

After talking of cultural studies and how we do not as a society appreciate what we have or find the underlying truth, we eventually made our way inside. The first floor is a small video of the Frank’s, who they were, how they lived… This took us to our first insight into the way they must have lived. Off to the side were old crates from the spice business Mr. Frank had below. The smells from this must have been overwhelming to the senses!! They left a small slit in the plastic-glass for you to smell the spice. We lost track of Beth and her father but found ourselves in the hallway leading to the main office where Meip typed away by day. There are pictures scattered over the walls of the family, the office, the way the life was before they all had to go into hiding…I paused at a small plastic enclosure that covered the wall where they measured the girls height with pencil marks and all around there are Anne’s words… Beckoning you in…

I rounded a corner and Patrick pointed down… There was a plexi-glass platform that covered the bottom stairs. We were standing in the hall way leading up to the attic. I began to cry. I had a hard time walking up those very narrow stairs… Into the very narrow passageway… I felt as though I was climbing up a step ladder. At the top of the stairs was “the book case. I stepped through the portal door and into a new world… A very small world where the windows are covered with black boards… The first room we entered was the hall to the bathroom. From there you find the Frank’s room, then Anne’s room, the kitchen/living area, and finally the stairs to the attic. The attic is not accessible but the most profound moment for me was looking up and seeing a mirror reflecting the window where Anne would draw in fresh breath. She grew flowers up there. She dreamed up there… She created a whole world for herself in this little space…

As I sit here trying to decide what I should write about this place there are a couple things I must mention… The living/dining area is small, approximately the size of my living room. I placed my hand upon the counter top where they had cooked so many meals, where perhaps Anne or Margot leaned while their mother was cooking… Where they sat in silence together… My tears would not come but the emotions were over flowing.

Another is I could not breathe in this place… My emotions got the better of me. I like to think it is because I have been awake since yesterday, and this may even be a little true. But then I read Anne’s own words… “Why can’t we just feel how we feel?” Of course this made things worse for me! But this is a true statement… We push our emotions aside and dismiss how we react as being tired or stressed out… When we really we are connecting with something that needs to process. The scope of what I experienced was larger than me… I connected with that. I connected as a 14 year old girl… I connected as a mother of a 14 year old daughter…

As I left the Anne Frank house I never did see the words I was searching for…. “Despite everything, I still believe people are good at heart.” I am not sure if I somehow missed them on the wall or if they changed the words since Whoopi Goldberg did Broadway the first time… But what I did find was a piece that I had been looking for. Perspective… And for me, this is a great way to begin our journey…

Puttin' on the Ritz

Priceline has a deal where you “name your own price” on hotel rooms. There are a couple catches, one is you do not know which hotel you are choosing and another is you cannot cancel your reservations. If your bid is accepted you get the room automatically without being able to change your mind at the last minute… What a gamble!!! Why not??

So now we are sitting in the Hilton Seatac Airport and Conference Center on our own individual beds and awaiting our check-out time in the morning. This place is pretty fancy for a girl who wears the same shirt twice in a week, out of a rotation of five. All of which I have packed with me…  And as I sit here on my bed that has a “blanket runner” (You know, like the one Grandma used in the middle of the table.. Yeah there is ONE at the end of my bed… Not an actual blanket… Just a runner…) staring at my un-pedicured feet I am certain that I am very much still myself! 

So we took ourselves to 7-11 for bottled water, that did NOT require your first born, two forms of ID and then the two dollars… On our way back we decided it was time for a treat. So now we are sitting in the fancy restaurant that is located inside our hotel. We have ordered Espresso Crème Brule and some sort of Vanilla bean icecream with fruit, and are sipping coffee while blogging together.

I am sure this is going to cost me a days food budget while in Slane, but it is worth it at the moment. I think this trip.. adventure… is going to be a series of moments. This one is filled with chocolate!

Time is ticking

We have been watching a lot of television late at night for the past week... Not that we are excited about our trip or anything!!! Last night we watched a show on the Science Channel that talked about time. Does it exist? Is it a construct we have made? Has it always been? Will it always remain the same? Some speculate that time is happening in the moment and once the moment has passed we measure the mount of space that has taken place between the two events. It is all a bit mind boggling when you think of it!!

I do not believe in either argument really. I am standing somewhere in the middle of this thing called time... Wondering just how long 10 more days can seem when I am already over there, walking the beaches of Iona, climbing a hill in Donegal or walking through Leap Castle in county Tipperary...