“Why can’t we feel what we feel?”

Ten hours on a plane, four movies, chaos at landing and a 20 minute trek across Amsterdam later we arrive at the back of the line to the Anne Frank House. It was raining; windy and very chilly out there I would like to add! The line moved at a snail pace and I could feel Patrick’s patience slipping as ten minutes became twenty, became an hour, became 90 minutes… Finally I said OK if we are not to that light post by 11:40, we will leave and find some place warm. Secretly I was conspiring with the Universe… PLEASE let us get to the light pole by 11:40… PLEASE!!!

Soon we began chatting with Beth. Her and her father are from New York and are on their way to Israel. Beth has a Bachelors degree and two Masters Degrees. Her mother passed away two weeks ago and she asked her father to come along the trip with her.  This kept Patrick and I both in line, inching our way to the entrance of the Anne Frank House. 

After talking of cultural studies and how we do not as a society appreciate what we have or find the underlying truth, we eventually made our way inside. The first floor is a small video of the Frank’s, who they were, how they lived… This took us to our first insight into the way they must have lived. Off to the side were old crates from the spice business Mr. Frank had below. The smells from this must have been overwhelming to the senses!! They left a small slit in the plastic-glass for you to smell the spice. We lost track of Beth and her father but found ourselves in the hallway leading to the main office where Meip typed away by day. There are pictures scattered over the walls of the family, the office, the way the life was before they all had to go into hiding…I paused at a small plastic enclosure that covered the wall where they measured the girls height with pencil marks and all around there are Anne’s words… Beckoning you in…

I rounded a corner and Patrick pointed down… There was a plexi-glass platform that covered the bottom stairs. We were standing in the hall way leading up to the attic. I began to cry. I had a hard time walking up those very narrow stairs… Into the very narrow passageway… I felt as though I was climbing up a step ladder. At the top of the stairs was “the book case. I stepped through the portal door and into a new world… A very small world where the windows are covered with black boards… The first room we entered was the hall to the bathroom. From there you find the Frank’s room, then Anne’s room, the kitchen/living area, and finally the stairs to the attic. The attic is not accessible but the most profound moment for me was looking up and seeing a mirror reflecting the window where Anne would draw in fresh breath. She grew flowers up there. She dreamed up there… She created a whole world for herself in this little space…

As I sit here trying to decide what I should write about this place there are a couple things I must mention… The living/dining area is small, approximately the size of my living room. I placed my hand upon the counter top where they had cooked so many meals, where perhaps Anne or Margot leaned while their mother was cooking… Where they sat in silence together… My tears would not come but the emotions were over flowing.

Another is I could not breathe in this place… My emotions got the better of me. I like to think it is because I have been awake since yesterday, and this may even be a little true. But then I read Anne’s own words… “Why can’t we just feel how we feel?” Of course this made things worse for me! But this is a true statement… We push our emotions aside and dismiss how we react as being tired or stressed out… When we really we are connecting with something that needs to process. The scope of what I experienced was larger than me… I connected with that. I connected as a 14 year old girl… I connected as a mother of a 14 year old daughter…

As I left the Anne Frank house I never did see the words I was searching for…. “Despite everything, I still believe people are good at heart.” I am not sure if I somehow missed them on the wall or if they changed the words since Whoopi Goldberg did Broadway the first time… But what I did find was a piece that I had been looking for. Perspective… And for me, this is a great way to begin our journey…

Puttin' on the Ritz

Priceline has a deal where you “name your own price” on hotel rooms. There are a couple catches, one is you do not know which hotel you are choosing and another is you cannot cancel your reservations. If your bid is accepted you get the room automatically without being able to change your mind at the last minute… What a gamble!!! Why not??

So now we are sitting in the Hilton Seatac Airport and Conference Center on our own individual beds and awaiting our check-out time in the morning. This place is pretty fancy for a girl who wears the same shirt twice in a week, out of a rotation of five. All of which I have packed with me…  And as I sit here on my bed that has a “blanket runner” (You know, like the one Grandma used in the middle of the table.. Yeah there is ONE at the end of my bed… Not an actual blanket… Just a runner…) staring at my un-pedicured feet I am certain that I am very much still myself! 

So we took ourselves to 7-11 for bottled water, that did NOT require your first born, two forms of ID and then the two dollars… On our way back we decided it was time for a treat. So now we are sitting in the fancy restaurant that is located inside our hotel. We have ordered Espresso Crème Brule and some sort of Vanilla bean icecream with fruit, and are sipping coffee while blogging together.

I am sure this is going to cost me a days food budget while in Slane, but it is worth it at the moment. I think this trip.. adventure… is going to be a series of moments. This one is filled with chocolate!

Time is ticking

We have been watching a lot of television late at night for the past week... Not that we are excited about our trip or anything!!! Last night we watched a show on the Science Channel that talked about time. Does it exist? Is it a construct we have made? Has it always been? Will it always remain the same? Some speculate that time is happening in the moment and once the moment has passed we measure the mount of space that has taken place between the two events. It is all a bit mind boggling when you think of it!!

I do not believe in either argument really. I am standing somewhere in the middle of this thing called time... Wondering just how long 10 more days can seem when I am already over there, walking the beaches of Iona, climbing a hill in Donegal or walking through Leap Castle in county Tipperary...

Despite everything...

"I still believe people are good at heart" - Anne Frank
For the past several weeks I have been asking myself what is a pilgrimage. I even asked my 14 year who in her infinite wisdom at such a young age responded with, "isn't that something you figure out as you go?" It is here that I began the next leg in our journey... With a visit to another wise teenage girl by visiting the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam.


When I was a little girl, Whoopi Goldberg had an HBO Broadway show where she played several different characters. My personal favorite was the junkie Fontaine. Fontaine had a hard life and needed to skip the country so he decided to go to Amsterdam for all the wrong reasons. But upon visiting the town he somehow found himself in the Anne Frank house. For the first time in 20 min, Fontaine stopped moving, talking... Showing what it would have been like to sit in the house for hours every day, not making a peep... Not a word... While exiting he said he saw the poster that read "Despite everything I still believe people are good at heart". It changed the characters whole life around! I then read her diary in 7th grade.

Now here I am, preparing for a journey that will take me to her house. To see where she wrote those words... To be humbled by a presence far greater than our own comprehension. How do I even begin to verbalize what all this means to me?

Tá tú anseo!

Yes, "I am here"! Just not "here". My dreams are plagued with Ireland, my thoughts clouded with scents of peat fire and salty air... Now that I am so close to beginning school once more I have to think back to when we moved here. A year ago my future seemed clear and right out in front of me. Then we went to Ireland and returned home... I spent most of the summer sitting on my ass playing Sims and wishing I had a real life. :-(

Ireland changed my entire being. Maybe I was suppose to just sit this summer but I cannot help feeling like I wasted so much time. Instead of listing the things I could have done, I am going to be thankful for having the time to waste. :-)

My next journey is with numbers and art! I am not sure how I feel about it all just yet. I am excited and nervous! The Ireland program was so exciting and adrenaline based I am wondering just how this year will go. I am really trying not to compare the two, but how is that possible? It is not often that opportunity comes along... Nor for that amount of personal growth to happen in such a small amount of time. I think I will break it down and write a bit more of what I experienced and how I feel it has impacted my life.

I have been thinking a lot about Dublin. I am not a fan of big cities! Dublin is fairly large and yet I felt very comfortable there. I usually tense up when I am around large amounts of people I do not know, but I had no problem hanging out and being calm. It is this calm feeling that has had me feeling out of sorts. It is as if I picked it up in Dublin and left it there before returning home! I would very much like that feeling back! My stomach has been in knots since returning home. Worrying about every little thing... What is it about Ireland that caused me to find a sense of well-being?

Exhaustion...

I am tired... I want to be alert and awake and I am so exhausted... Day in and day out we are learning, growing, being re-branded with fire on a moment to moment basis!! But today I want to sleep. It is so different being in a house with 13 other people... It makes me very thankful for my 13 year old and our little kitchen in our little apartment.... People are driving me NUTS!! I am very thankful I do not have a boy!!!

Among all the other issues I am enjoying just being here! Ireland is freaking amazing and I cannot find the exact words to encompass all I feel. Being around all of these ancient sites as made me appreciate my place in this world. Whatever and wherever that place is. :-)

I do however mis my boo, my bed and my kitties and cannot wait to hug them all...

An Awakening

Dreams in Ireland are interesting. I either never dream or dream and then wake up and not remember what I dreamed. Last night I dreamed of a family reunion where I was busy prepping and being a hostess. I glanced in front of me and there was Pa. Pa was standing there with two other women and they had coats on. He was telling them about something on the book shelf. I remember thinking, "That is Pa!" and I smiled at him. They all three looked at me and as someone walked in front of them he gave me a little wink and they all three vanished. The dream went on to a huge war'ing sea with these long canoes - one red and one blue - battling. They both sank. Then in a cartoon kind of way there were Native Americans with huge heads and crossed arms making there way over this sea. The weird part was the whole water way was slightly raised like it was a really LONG but small water fall. I love how dream mechanics work.

Then I went to this house where I was helping to protect this child and I had a key to it. In the back yard someone had dug out all the grass and drawn hieroglyphs and swirls in the mud. Stick figured were drawn in and as I opened the gates people flooded in to see the area, almost like they were drawn to it. Some lady had been digging for a key to get into the house and I had one. She stood by me saying oh thank you for finding the key!! She had no reason to be there and certainly should not have been allowed in. Once in people followed me kind of pushing there way in and I was trying to protect this kid. I took myself and the child behind this partition and tried locking the door behind me. They caught me doing it and started shoving a knife through the opening by the lock. It poked me in the leg and I felt it. WEIRD! Then I woke up...

I told Patrick about seeing Pa in my dream and I began to cry. It was the real part of my dream where I knew it was real and I was truly awake in another place and time. One of the most interesting things is last night the mist came in off the ocean and it was warm and peaceful!!

I have begun to wonder what I want to do with all this I am learning. Where am I taking all this knowledge? What do I want to be when I grow up? I know I want to teach but what should I teach? Music, art, folklore, history, spirituality... I have no clue... I am really hoping the Universe will give me a huge hint as to where I should go...

I have really been drawn to the Last Unicorn lately. I love that movie anyway but there is a part where she says, "Who am I? What am I doing here? I thought I knew a moment ago... But I cannot remember..." I really feel like that at this moment. Now that I am living my dream, where do I go from here??