The fifth element

Sunday August 7th, My Aunt Juana slipped from this world to the next... The last time I spoke with her was a week prior to our leaving. She had slipped and fell in the bathroom and cracked a vertebrae. This caused her to be hospitalized for a bladder infection on top of the golf ball sized cancer in her uterus. I told her that I could come help out before we left for our trip and she said she would think about it. I said that I wanted to come see her before we left and she said, "We will be here when you get back..." 

The last time I saw her was just after our last trip over to Ireland. My friend Kendra had needed a lift back to Vancouver so I swung by Aunt Juana's house to drop off her Ireland gifts. While we were here the first time I gathered the four elements, Brigids flame and holy well water from Kildare, sand from the beach where I scattered Aunt Pat's ashes and a feather one of my program friends found... Fire, water, earth and air... I told her all about our trip and how amazing it was... I told her how we went to Kildare and how I asked to bring a piece of burnt paper back to the states for her and instead was gifted Brigids Flame... I could see the tears well up in her eyes as I regailed my stories of Ireland and how it all meant to me to be a part of this huge opportunity...

My aunt was the first person in my life to introduce me to the concept of spirituality. She had this amazing space in her house that was up stairs and through this beaded curtain that hung in the bathroom. It was a magical space that for the longest time I was forbid to enter... Then one trip to spend the week she invited me in to sit with her. We talked of spirituality, past life experiences, guided meditations, folk stories and many more interesting tales. She then guided me through my first meditation where I remember a bridge an old woman slamming the door in my face and a wide open field. After this moment in my young life I began to read any and all extra sensory perception book I could find. I wanted to grow up and become a parapsychologist and study ghosts and odd phenomena in this world. 

For the next three to four years I spent weeks at my Aunts house during the spring and summer months. Exploring new facets of myself and who she was. Learning from her and appreciating life. Then I became born again... Now this was not the end of my spiritual journey but apparently I needed to go the long route to learn a lesson and give birth to my beautiful daughter Elisia.

It was during these years that the connection I had with my aunt started to relax... It was not that I did not love her, but I was seeking my spiritual guidance from somewhere else... I also began to look at her and her notions as devilry and witch craft which of course it was not... But that is how you are taught to react to such things as ghosts, meditation and ouija boards.

It would be seven years before I began to come around. Meanwhile my aunt was still there on the side lines, cheering me on! Sending me cards and books which I treasure to this day. But then my world came crashing in on me... I left my husband after two years and fell in love with Patrick, mo chroi. He brought the spirit back into my life and taught me how to live fully! To understand my place in this world was to embrace and question everything! 

My aunt and I began to move closer together again and eventually we moved to Alaska. When I decided to get into massage therapy my aunt sent me a necklace of the primordial Goddess, Venus of Willendorf. It is the oldest representation of the Goddess, being over 10,000 years old. I wore the necklace around my neck the entire year of school, and the entire seven years that I was a massage therapist until I lost it one day and decided to have it tattooed onto my back. It was around this time that I found the Goddess Brigid calling my name. She had introduced herself a few years before in a pair of earrings my mom gifted to me but this time it was through a book called Confessions of a Pagan Nun. I begun reading this book and learning about Brigid and her flame, her perpetual flame, that burned in the Abbey in Kildare, Ireland. OH to go to Ireland and see this place for myself would be a true dream come true.. Little did I know then...

I gifted my aunt with this book and showed her the tattoo on my back of the Goddess. This was just after she was diagnosed with cancer for the first time. So when my dream started becoming a reality I called her up. She sent me this book called Celtic Calendar Wheel and I hated the book... I truly thought it was a waste of my time... But as with all things she has gifted me with I stuck it on my shelf and sat on it. When we began the Ireland program a reading assignment has egnited a spark inside me and I immediatly reached for this book that my aunt had gifted me. They went hand in hand talking about how the land itself was connected to the Celtic calendar and how within each direction the land corresponds with wach distinct season. I wrote my final 35 page paper on this whole concept. (Thank you Aunt Juana)

Aside from being my spiritual mentor, my aunt has looked out for me over the years. Always sending things she knew I would need, aside from the silver plated frames graduation... Still not sure where that gift came from... LOL But now as I sit on this bed in our hostel, in a little town called Borrisoleigh, Tipperary - I am reminded of her smile, her smell and the way she laughed. I reminded of how she could correct me without feeling as though I was in trouble. I remember how she gound a dead duck aside the road and brought it home to cook for dinner. I remember her allowing me to make this weird apple bake we learned about in home economics. I remember taking an active role in my life. I remember her recording these stories onto tapes for me because I would listen to them over and over again on record. I remember... I remember... I remember... I think I could go on remembering my entire life of all the little moments that meant so much to me.

The regret I have is purely selfish. I told my aunt how much I loved her, how much she meant to me over the years, how she helped me become who I am today. I told her that I wanted her to be at peace and asked her if there was sort of ceremony she would like after her passing. I talked freely with her and told her how I felt, how I loved her and Uncle Walt. I told her everything... My only regret is not hearing her voice one last time... Or hugging her for one last moment. Or seeing her wave to us goodbye as we drove away, one hand on her hip, the other picking at a flower only to stand up again and wave once more. Her smile lighting up the sky. My only regret is not seeing her one last time before she left this world even though I spoke with her often. I am left with the question of, is it ever enough? Even if I had seen her every week for a year, would I still have this same regret? I think, no, I am positive my answer would be the same... I would regret not taking one last moment in her physical presence to remember every little thing about her from the way she sipped her coffee to how she sat in a chair, to how her hair laid across her forehead to how she smiled and if her lip curled up or not...

The last time I saw my aunt I brought her the four elements... Last night as I was looking up at the night sky wondering what to do with my own mother, a very bright fallen star lit up the sky above my head. Patrick did not see it! I was like how could you not see that? It was bright and lasted for at least four seconds!! It was then that I knew she had added a fifth element to the four I had brung to her over a year ago, the element of the spirit...

"Visit me often, I hear your laughter in the stars and see your smile in the glowing moon..."